I'm a Teke, dammit

Laszlo Varju
President, Loyola College Republicans

Dear Mr. Varju,

I had high hopes for the Loyola College Republicans when I learned that you had been elected their president. I'm sure a lot of us did. After all, you were moved so much by the terrorist attacks on our shores, you stood up and issued the following challenge to other young men your age:

Can you become a Brother of Tau Kappa Epsilon? Do you think you have what it takes to be a Teke?

Unfortunately, your fellow college Republicans needed much more than that single, testosterone-fueled challenge to turn them into true stormtroopers for the New American Century, and you failed to provide it to them. Nothing exemplifies this failure more than the fiasco that occurred during Ann Coulter's recent speech at Loyola.

Loyola College Republicans stood silent when a soldier's mother mockingly requested that Ms. Coulter escort your membership to the nearest Marine recruiting station. Not a single one of them stood up and declared, "I'm a Teke, dammit."

And why did Ms. Coulter have to challenge your members' manhood by screaming "You're men. You're heterosexuals. Take 'em out." before any of you rose from your seats to attack the Frenchmen heckling her?

If you can't be trusted to fight our domestic enemies here at home, you hardly deserve the military exemption that is your birthright. You might as well be fighting alongside the working class men and women we're sending to Iraq.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot