Wang Dang He Ducked Danang

Ted Nugent
Gov. Rick Perry Chair of Conservative Values
The Wang Dang Institute of Sweet Poontang

Dear Mr. Nugent,

The last few months have been a nightmare for conservative Americans. First, the Demislamunistofascists take control of Congress, prompting some of our least loyal congressional stars to begin singing hosanas in praise of such treasonous acts as minimum wage hikes and premature iraqejection. Then, Our Leader repudiates his Article II powers which allow him to invade our privacy without warrants. And now, even those who've shared Our Leader's special providence sour in their support for the Iraq phase of Our Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People.

In the midst of all this treachery, you continue to stand firm in your conservative convictions. While Sam Brownback hemmed and hawed about whether homosexuals should be allowed to adopt children, you stood on a stage at Texas Gov. Rick Perry's inaugural ball, wearing the beloved colors of our confederate heritage, waving an assault rifle, and shouting insults at anyone who dared to speak Mexican.

You did it because that's who you are, a man who will not, and indeed, cannot, abandon his conservative values. You are a perfect specimen of conservative manhood.

You've always been that way. As the Detroit Free Press Magazine reported in 1990, you were already serving as an exemplar of Republican values back in the Sixties, when, like Our Leader, Deputy Leader Cheney, and Minister of Truth Limbaugh, you courageously dodged service in Vietnam:

[Nugent] claims that 30 days before his draft board physical, he stopped all forms of personal hygiene. The last 10 days, he ingested nothing but Vienna sausages and Pepsi; and a week before his physical, he stopped using bathrooms altogether, virtually living inside pants caked with his own excrement, stained by his urine.

And High Times adds a little Bush/Limbaugh twist to the story by publishing your claim that you snorted meth (the coffee of the Heartland) to raise your heart rate before taking the physical.

While many of our former heroes have abandoned conservative values, there are still many others who look for you to continue to stand tall against the frenchification of our homeland. They continue to honor Our Leader, support the war, and defend our nation against seditious speech. They are the fighting keyboarders and the College Republicans who save their pennies to buy your Ultimate Uncle Ted Gonzo BloodBrother Sniper Rifle so they can defend the homeland while sending others to Iraq. They are your people, Ted. Please don't let them down.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot