Wednesday, December 28, 2005

He guarded Jenna's chastity; now let him guard Route Irish

Henry Hager
Office of the Secretary
U.S. Department of Commerce

Dear Mr. Hager,

From what I've read, you're a fine young man, the kind of young man that our nation's children should look to as a role model. Your life hasn't been easy. With all the road blocks erected by political correctness and affirmative action programs, it's become very difficult for a white, upper class, conservative Christian man like yourself to make your mark on the world. A look at all of the trials through which you've suffered is proof of that, yet you've prevailed.

I can't imagine how humiliating it must have been for you, a tobacco heir and the son of a lieutenant governor, to, upon graduation from college, be forced to first work as a White House intern before being given the job of representing the Secretary of Commerce at important inter-agency meetings. It's almost like class doesn't matter anymore.

Still, you took it all in stride and performed your lowly White House duties with dignity. Now you're in a position to do even greater things, and I'm not only referring to your vigilant guardianship of the first daughter's virginity. I believe that there is something even more important that you can do for your country--you can serve it as a military officer in Iraq.

Certainly, as a true, patriotic conservative and a man whose loyalty to Our Leader is without question--after all He trusts you with His greatest treasure, Jenna's chastity--you understand the importance of our struggle in Iraq. You may also be aware that our military is suffering from a recruitment crisis. They need bright, educated men like yourself.

Your country is calling you. Hear its pleas and volunteer for military duty in Iraq.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot



At 28 December, 2005 05:43, Blogger One Veteran said...

Not only is Mr. Hager eligible for military service, so is Jenna. I can't think of any greater moral boost for our grunts than to have the daughter of their commander in chief serving alongside them.

At 28 December, 2005 06:39, Blogger L.J. Abershawe said...

From a man currently serving a second time in Iraq (under a stop-loss order) I would like declare that we should bring both the girls in. Everyone loves twins, what better than twins in uniform!

At 28 December, 2005 06:59, Blogger Karl said...

I've always thought that Jenna would be a hit on the Army Women's Southwest Asia Mud-Wrestling Team, as well as for recruiters' fantasies.

At 06 January, 2006 00:23, Blogger FireCrow said...

I'm guessing the only wartime drilling Mr. Hager will be doing will be at commander chimpy's next coke and smoke bbq in the rose garden with Jenna bent over the Habachi keeping an eye on the sausage.
I'd sure hate to be the SS guy that has to guard that drunken hosemonster, now there's a ticket to "early retirement"


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