He guarded Jenna's chastity; now let him guard Route Irish

Henry Hager
Office of the Secretary
U.S. Department of Commerce

Dear Mr. Hager,

From what I've read, you're a fine young man, the kind of young man that our nation's children should look to as a role model. Your life hasn't been easy. With all the road blocks erected by political correctness and affirmative action programs, it's become very difficult for a white, upper class, conservative Christian man like yourself to make your mark on the world. A look at all of the trials through which you've suffered is proof of that, yet you've prevailed.

I can't imagine how humiliating it must have been for you, a tobacco heir and the son of a lieutenant governor, to, upon graduation from college, be forced to first work as a White House intern before being given the job of representing the Secretary of Commerce at important inter-agency meetings. It's almost like class doesn't matter anymore.

Still, you took it all in stride and performed your lowly White House duties with dignity. Now you're in a position to do even greater things, and I'm not only referring to your vigilant guardianship of the first daughter's virginity. I believe that there is something even more important that you can do for your country--you can serve it as a military officer in Iraq.

Certainly, as a true, patriotic conservative and a man whose loyalty to Our Leader is without question--after all He trusts you with His greatest treasure, Jenna's chastity--you understand the importance of our struggle in Iraq. You may also be aware that our military is suffering from a recruitment crisis. They need bright, educated men like yourself.

Your country is calling you. Hear its pleas and volunteer for military duty in Iraq.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot