Honoring "The Dean"
"The Dean," The Network of College Conservatives
Dear Dean Flickinger,
These are tough times for conservatives. Liberals and their media lackies have turned much of the population against us. It fills my heart with joy to see someone like you out there promoting our most cherished traditional Christian values, things like: torturing unruly children and uppity brown people; financially rewarding corporations and incompetent apparatchiks for their political support; nurturing the birth of a religious government in Iraq; supporting Our Leader's policy of protecting us against the truth; rewarding the wealthy for being wealthy; raining white phosphorus fire onto rebellious cities; reclaiming women's uteri as the property of men; demonizing love; relieving the poor of the burden of obtaining food stamps and health care; and betraying intelligence assets in fits of revenge.
I want to thank you for the work you're doing. I hope you'll accept an invitation to spend a weekend at my compound so that I can honor you properly as a fellow conservative warrior. It's an ancient ceremony--one handed down generation by generation from our Spartan warrior forbearers. Yes, I'm talking about Spartan-style wresting, where two men, naked and oiled, grapple each other in an ancient dance, struggling to establish dominance and drive their manhood home into an exhausted, humiliated opponent. It's the highest honor a Republican warrior may pay to another. It's also the perfect metaphor for conservatism.
Afterwards, I'll drive you down to the recruiters office so that you can back your rhetoric with action. How does that sound to you?
Gen. JC Christian