Sunday, July 10, 2005

Fat Young Republicans, there is a spot for you in Today's Military!

I know there's lots of young Republican men out there just itching to enlist in the military. I read so much about how they support the troops and believe in George W. Bush's mission to Democratize the Middle East by Blowing the Hell Out of It. But sadly, too many of today's "chairborne warriors" fear that their sedentary, beer-gut lifestyle disqualifies them from a spot among America's Brave Fighting Forces. The most patriotic thing we could do, they insist, is to leave these "yellow elephants" stateside to ridicule liberal questioning of the war and to implore the government to round up these traitors and send them to Iraq in place of their fat, out-of-shape asses.

So I read CNN today and learn that the Young Republicans may be on to something...
Jon Schoenherr expected a warm reception when he walked into an Army recruiting office in this Midwestern farm community, intending to enlist. But a sergeant gave the 17-year-old some surprising news. "He told me I'd have to lose a little bit of weight," said Schoenherr, who dropped 50 pounds to qualify.

After weighing in at 215 pounds, he did his own boot camp during his senior year in high school, going to the recruiting center for 6 a.m. workouts, then downing a boiled egg or two and orange juice before heading to class.

Lunch would be "tuna fish right out of the can" or a low-carb wrap at school, he said. After school, he'd lift weights. He's now a svelte 165 pounds and about to join a special forces unit.

"I've had some people who have lost close to 100 pounds to join," said Sgt. Chad Eske, his recruiter.
Now there's a perfect example of that personal responsibility I keep hearing the Republicans talking about!

But Jon is just one man; the military needs thousands. It looks like it is time for the Republican leaders to start calling for mandatory phys. ed. classes. Bring out Gov. Schwarzenegger for the televised calisthenics...
[O]ne of the biggest worries concerns those not even in uniform yet: Nearly 2 out of 10 men and 4 out of 10 women of recruiting age weigh too much to be eligible, a record number for that age group.

"This is quickly becoming a national security issue for us. The pool of recruits is becoming smaller," said Col. Gaston Bathalon, an Army nutrition expert.

Unless weight rules are relaxed, "we're going to have a harder time fielding an Army," he said.
See, it's not liberals or the mainstream media that is hurting recruiting efforts, it's the Biggie-Sized Triple Cheeseburger Combo at Wendy's!


At 10 July, 2005 14:36, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You gotta give young Jon Schoenherr kuddos for his efforts to serve his country (and everyone else serving as well).

He makes the many who adamatly support the war but won't serve look like pathetic and craven twerps.

Foo Fighter

At 10 July, 2005 15:31, Blogger Stachu said...

It's their war, why aren't they fighting it?

This is why:

The real cost


At 10 July, 2005 15:38, Anonymous preznit giv me turkee said...

so maybe they're not really "Yellow Elephants" but "Cheeto(R)-Orange Elephants"

At 10 July, 2005 15:57, Anonymous Scott said...

Good thing its not the fault of these fine tubby Conservative bastards. Thank you for realizing and publishing the truth about who is really to blame for the sad state of affairs our country is in: Wendys.

At 10 July, 2005 17:28, Blogger "Radical" Russ said...

I have one of these Yellow Elephants who comments over on my blog. He gives me the "I'm too fat" excuse. I told him of how I was a too-fat young Reagan Democrat at one time, too. Then I told him of this amazing weight-loss program they have over at Ft. Dix, NJ, that just melted my pounds away.

(singing) "P.T.! Feels good! P.T.! Is good! C-130 rollin' down the strip... Airborne Ranger gonna take a little trip..."

Funny how running four miles each day at 5AM will do that for a guy.

At 10 July, 2005 19:22, Blogger The Kenosha Kid said...

According to my secret source at the White House *cough*KarlRove*cough, Wendy's is actually owned by Osama bin Laden. Just sayin'

At 10 July, 2005 19:49, Blogger Julie O. said...

Why doesn't the military use the fat kids to do all the office work/cooking/pushing buttons on battleships?

Military costs might go up, what with the Super-Sized Wendy's MREs, wide berths, and extra uniform fabric. But everyone needs to sacrifice in a time of war.

At 10 July, 2005 19:54, Blogger merlallen said...

I have a feeling there are about to be thousands of fat gay Repubs.

At 10 July, 2005 20:59, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wendy's is good shit because i just ate a tripple cheeseburger, biggie fries, biggie coke but i am still agianst the fucking war in iraq

At 10 July, 2005 21:32, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too fat to enlist? Good News! You're never too fat for Jesus' Army!

International Mission Board

Christian Missionaries in Iraq, A Story of Love
Why Iraq Beckons (and other inspirationals)
On Sending Missionaries to Iraq
Poised and Ready to Help

Onward, Christian soldiers,
Marching as to war,
With the cross of Jesus
Going on before.
Christ, the royal master,
Leads against the foe;
Forward into battle
See his banners go!

At 10 July, 2005 23:32, Anonymous gretchen said...

this isn't you're blog?

At 11 July, 2005 22:15, Anonymous sue said...

war war yuk yuk

At 15 July, 2005 17:03, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 03 April, 2009 21:51, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.



Post a Comment

<< Home