Confederate Yankee Enlists?

Bob Owens
The Confederate Yankee

Dear Mr. Owens,

I want to thank you for enlisting to fight godless Islamunistofascistocratism in Iraq. It's about time one of our most revered Christian patriots joined Our Leader's crusade. Until now, our failure to fully commit to this struggle by joining the military created a perception that we are insincere when we portray this war as a life and death struggle for our very existence.

I hope others--particularly the Virgins Ben (Shapiro, Domenech, and Ferguson)--follow suit, but I'm worried that your announcement (made in a letter to Our Leader) wasn't explicit enough for them to understand its meaning.

Don't get me wrong. I thought you addressed the reasoning behind your decision very well, you just didn't close the deal by explicitly stating, "I'm joining the military to smite Satan's Islamunistofascistcrat legions with Our Lord's Terrible Squad Automatic Weapon of Vengeance and His Mighty Glowsticks and Nipple Clamps of Confession.

I mean, look. Here's the reasoning you used to explain why you enlisted:

"These are the times that try men's souls."

So Thomas Paine began a series of pamphlets in late 1776 called The American Crisis, and in which he continued, "The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot may, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman."

[...]

Indeed, many in this land have lost hope in the noble ideas that founded this nation, and now clamor for a retreat to our own shores from those who would strike at us here as they have in the past. These well-meaning but misguided souls seek for no more blood to be spilled, for no more lives to be lost in a brutal, grinding war that sees our national will and our thirst for peace and justice challenged.

But we are made of sterner stuff, and what they do not understand is what you must know in your heart to be true, and that is simply this; there can be no peace in this war or this world without victory.

We live in a time where cynicism lords over self-sacrifice, where absent a call to rise above the mundane, the backbenchers and the critics are given voice by the simple absence of dedicated call to duty.

[...]

There have been many who have called Iraq "another Vietnam," but what they do not realize is that Iraq can be a Vietnam for the forces of terrorism for which they cannot withdraw without a resounding defeat. They have committed their all--their ideology, their material, and their manpower--to driving our alliance with the common man and woman in Iraq asunder. We must not fail them, or else, we will fail ourselves.

Should those who fight for freedom yield to those who fight for chaos, oppression, and tyranny? I say, emphatically, that the answer to all terrorists of every stripe must be "No."

That's about as powerful an argument for enlisting as I've ever heard. Heck, I almost enlisted after reading it, but thankfully, I came to my senses and remembered that I'm a cynical bastard who doesn't really believe all that most-important-struggle-in-our-history crap I write. I just do it to help Our Leader keep his Christianist base mobilized so I can have tax cuts when I'm a millionaire.

Anyway, it's unfortunate that you didn't end such a powerful argument with an explicit statement that you're enlisting. It gives the Virgins Ben and their ilk an opportunity to pretend it didn't happen, allowing them to continue to act as if they don't really believe their own life-and-death rhetoric.

Hmmm. After rereading your letter, I'm even beginning to wonder if you are indeed enlisting. It's pretty clear that you were very careful to avoid the subject. Maybe, your just as cynical as I am. I hope not. Someone needs to fight this crusade for us. Otherwise, I'll need to trade in my Hummer.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tip to commenter LG Fucktard