WWKD

Nathan Taylor
Chair, 2005 Young Republican National Convention

Steve Damion
New Jersey College Republicans

Dear Mr. Taylor and Mr. Damion,

It looks like the enemies of all that is good and decent are out to destroy you. Articles and blogposts published today suggest that both of you are involved in financial controversies relating to your stewardship of state and national College Republican and Young Republican funds.

Kos, a man as French as the Pope, links to a series of emails exchanged between you (Mr. Damion) and various New Jersey Republican politicos. These emails culminate in your resignation as the NJCR president after allegations of embezzlement and extortion are made against you.

Mr. Taylor faces similar problems. An article published Wednesday in the Las Vegas Sun quotes Taylor as saying that the recent Young Republican National Convention you chaired may be as much as $25,000 in the red. The article also notes that members of the Nevada Young Republicans had earlier asked the Reno Police Department to investigate what had become of convention funds matching that exact amount, but withdrew their request after being contacted by the national organization.

I think it's time for you to get tough. Look to our national party leaders for guidance. First, ask yourself, "What would Karl do?"

Your enemies are numerous. Surely, one or two of them have relatives who are covert intelligence agents. Betray them now. Your future is more important than any national security concern. It'll make the others think twice before they speak out against you.

Second, ask yourself, "What would Tom DeLay do?" The answer, of course, is that he'd turn the lingering death of another human being into a political opportunity.

Scour your local hospitals. Find a grieving family saying their final goodbyes to a loved one. Then, step in and turn those final moments into a political circus. Like the Majority Leader, you'll be rewarded with a base of god-fearing Republicans who'll do anything they can to defend you.

Finally, ask yourself, "What would College Republican National Committee Chair Paul Gourley do?" You know the answer to that. He'd hound every ninetyish year old Republican he could find with fundraising letters asking them to show their faith in Our Leader by giving him money. He raised millions that way. You could replace your missing thousands in no time.

Well, I've shown you the way. All you need to do is make it happen.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tips to readers Pat, John, Jo, KP (are you one of my former professors) and Janice.

Crossposted to Jesus' General