Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The Uber-Con

In an effort to help the right move towards their dream of a homogenized white Christian society, I have created what I believe is the perfect Conservative. This particular “Uber-Con” is a combination of features from the following famous Republicans:

Trent Lott
– He has truly perfect hair, as well as the signature window-pane sized glasses.

Sam Brownback
– Senator Brownback is an astonishingly average looking man, and so his non-striking features make up much of the facial region.

George W. Bush
– I chose to use Bush’s smile. While his teeth are not perfect, they seem to be the type of teeth that you would find on an average man. No gleeming smiles on the Uber-Con, please.

One of the crucial keys to making the perfect Conservative male is that he must be underwhelmingly boring looking. Why? If men are permitted to be attractive (ie. Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp) then sex will undoubtedly occur more frequently. As we all know, sex is a dirty, dirty act that should ony be performed when childbirth is desired.

This is my first shot at making the Uber-Con, and while not perfect, I believe it’s a good start.

40 Comments:

At 17 August, 2005 17:22, Blogger melior said...

His nose should be browner. Much, much browner.

 
At 17 August, 2005 17:26, Anonymous steveNYC said...

Two things: 1) its face should have a hint of meanness, like Bush's smirk; 2) it has to be wearing a flag lapel pin the size of a license plate. But that Senate hair is right on the money - perfectly parted, above the ear, and reminiscent of a baptist preacher.

 
At 17 August, 2005 17:28, Blogger Vaughn D. Taylor said...

Stevenyc: As I've said, this is my first shot. Your feedback is valuable and I shall make adjustments ASAP.

 
At 17 August, 2005 17:33, Anonymous steveNYC said...

Please - it wasn't a criticism. As I've said elsewhere on this blog, I am impressed by anyone who can use Photoshop well.

Next - the perfect neocon - a mix of Bolton's and Wofowitz's hair, maybe Perle's features ... the mind boggles.

 
At 17 August, 2005 17:41, Blogger Vaughn D. Taylor said...

Stevenyc: I've updated the Uber-Con a bit adding a gigantic lapel pin. I'm not sure if I've achieved the Bush smirk yet. Give me a little time.

 
At 17 August, 2005 17:45, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only thing you liberals can do better then dodge the draft is dodge the issue!

 
At 17 August, 2005 17:47, Anonymous steveNYC said...

So you're in the service, anonymous?

 
At 17 August, 2005 17:51, Anonymous steveNYC said...

Vaughn - that is perfect. We'll need a line of action (or inaction) figures, a tiny Senate chamber, and model Hummer campers for those bible-study weekend retreats.

 
At 17 August, 2005 17:58, Blogger Vaughn D. Taylor said...

"The only thing you liberals can do better then dodge the draft is dodge the issue!"

Which draft are you referring to anonymous nitwit? There's no draft currently, right? Why don't you explore the list of people in this administraton who have never served in the military. Your president had his daddy help him out of Vietnam, your V.P. avoided the draft because he "...had other priorities in the 60s than military service", and your conservative idol Rush Lameball dodged the draft because was growing a disgusting wad of ass hair.

 
At 17 August, 2005 18:47, Anonymous stevenyc said...

I am impressed that he is white, I like whitey.

 
At 17 August, 2005 19:07, Anonymous steveNYC said...

Ummm, they're all white. That's the problem stevenyc v.2.

 
At 17 August, 2005 19:15, Blogger Mazzy said...

His tie is hypnotizing.

 
At 17 August, 2005 19:25, Blogger Richard said...

Perfect hair. Hmm.

Why do these guys always want to make it look like they wear toupes?

I never could figure that out.

 
At 17 August, 2005 20:45, Anonymous stevenyc said...

WHITE POWER

 
At 17 August, 2005 21:02, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only sure things in life are taxes and that liberals will dodge any draft in masses, where as only a few conservatives will dodge.

FYI, although conservative I deplore Rush and don't really care for Bush and Co. First lesson to liberals:
Just becuase someone is a conservative doesn't mean they have automaticaly like every other conservative.

 
At 17 August, 2005 21:40, Blogger Vaughn D. Taylor said...

"First lesson to liberals:"

A word to neocons. Don't always assume that you are so wise that you are teaching us poor liberals "lessons" all of the time. You come off as smug and know-it-allish (is that a word?) Anyway, anonymous, there are more Republicans in this administration that have NOT served than have served. Yet, somehow, they all seem to be in love with sending others to war. Interesting.

And, you probably only "deplore" Rush now because it's the vogue thing to do. Who's your conservative hero, anonymous? Tom Delay, Bill Frist?

 
At 17 August, 2005 21:51, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonder why Mike Gallagher never served... another yellow elephant!

 
At 17 August, 2005 22:53, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me, a NeoCon? Hardly. If anything I'm a "Progressive Conservative". I can only think of one group that acts "smug" and "know-it-allish". That group being a large chunk of liberals.

I never really thought I had a conservative hero. But I guess Lincoln would be my conservative hero. Keeping the union intact, freeing the slaves, kicking the crap out of the DEMOCRAT south... And the Log Cabin Republicans. Brave enough to stand up for their conservative views while being verbally attacked by the religious right for being gay and hated by the homosexual left for
"Aunt Marys".

Those are my conservative heros.

 
At 17 August, 2005 23:01, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lincoln was not a conservative. He suspended habeus corpus and created a government bureacracy that wouldnt be equaled until the Wilson administration. Lincoln originally belonged to the Whig Party which supported the growth of national power and weakening of the states. The Republican Party came into being because many of the Whigs and to a lesser extent others believed that slavery was wrong and wanted to stop its spread. So basically Lincoln opposed the existing economic order based on slavery and wanted a stronger national government.

 
At 17 August, 2005 23:49, Blogger Vaughn D. Taylor said...

"But I guess Lincoln would be my conservative hero."

Wow. What a shining example of a non-answer. As the other anonymous said, Lincoln considered himself a Whig, a group that was both vehemently anti-war and anti-slavery. Lincoln was considered a voice for the middle class. Richard Hofstadter described Lincoln as a man who was "thoroughly middle class in his ideas, he spoke for those millions of Americans who had begun their lives as hired workers..."

To me, Lincoln sounds way more Liberal than Conservative. Perhaps you are a Liberal and you just don't know it?

 
At 17 August, 2005 23:53, Blogger Vaughn D. Taylor said...

"His tie is hypnotizing."

You are feeling very sleepy ... you must obey the tie ...

 
At 18 August, 2005 12:33, Anonymous just john said...

Lose the glasses, and you could come close to the legendary Bob Forehead, member of the Conservative JFK Lookalike Caucus back in the 80s. (In Washingtoon.)

"We need NEWER ideas!"

 
At 18 August, 2005 13:16, Anonymous Anonymous said...

fags

 
At 18 August, 2005 13:19, Blogger Vaughn D. Taylor said...

"fags" anonymous: please be a litte more articulate with your derogatory comments. Who is a fag?

 
At 18 August, 2005 14:36, Anonymous stevenyc said...

facist republicans are ass pounding fags you know it bitch

 
At 18 August, 2005 14:52, Anonymous Anonymous said...

vdt -- I think anonymous was LOOKING for fags. Have pity on the lonely, nameless fellow.

 
At 18 August, 2005 15:38, Blogger Vaughn D. Taylor said...

"I think anonymous was LOOKING for fags"

Well, that's a completely different site.

 
At 18 August, 2005 16:22, Anonymous stevenyc said...

Funny, until stevenyc v.2 made that post, I didn't know if "ass pounding" was one or two words ....

 
At 19 August, 2005 02:21, Anonymous Bill said...

is "ass pounding" all you lazy cowards do when your done faxing against war?

 
At 19 August, 2005 10:32, Blogger Vaughn D. Taylor said...

bill: Have you considered a career in the military?

 
At 19 August, 2005 11:33, Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Bill, I can't enlist because of my age, and also because I might be getting a pilodinal cyst. But if you can't figure out how to use a contraction ("you're" v. "your"), you obviously are not doing much right now. So sign up! Get some of your friends together too. Tell us where you live, and we'll send a recruiter right over!

 
At 19 August, 2005 11:50, Blogger Vaughn D. Taylor said...

"So sign up!"

He ain't gonna sign up, your crazy! Wait, what is ain't a contraction of?

 
At 19 August, 2005 12:48, Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Who knows VDT - all we have to do is convince a few to go fight Bush's crusade. What a feeling of satisfaction!

 
At 20 August, 2005 14:03, Blogger CapMidnight said...

I applaud your choice of Glorious Leader's teeth.
George W. Bush has a mouth you just want to drink a beer with.

Using alcohol in a 100% responsible, compassionate, and heterosexual manner,
Capt. Twelve A.M. Midnight, E.S.T.

 
At 24 August, 2005 18:54, Blogger slim said...

You got the big head/pencil neck ration just right. (Of course, the republican voter is generally the opposite morphology: pinhead/no neck.)

 
At 24 August, 2005 18:54, Blogger slim said...

Arg - that should have been "ratio."

 
At 03 September, 2005 13:23, Blogger anna said...

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At 12 September, 2005 23:20, Blogger abigail said...

Exquisite information on lapel pins. I have a lapel pins secrets blog if you want to see some cool stuff.

 
At 13 September, 2005 03:29, Blogger emily said...

I enjoyed your information on lapel pins. I have a lapel pins blog if you want to check it out.

 
At 20 February, 2006 16:27, Blogger marty said...

I'm curious. Let's see, All certified DRAFT DODGERS (i.e., Clinton and most liberal Hollywood bucketmouths) are heroes to liberals - yet conservatives who "didn't serve", weren't in nam, and had legal or medical deferrments are held in contempt for their non-service. Please explain.

 

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